Here’s a humorous, stylized “review” of Adobe CS 5.5 Master Collection , written as if Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes ) had to turn in a software review for school—complete with Hobbes’s interjections. Adobe Creative Suite 5.5 Master Collection Reviewer: Calvin (age 6, self-taught “multimedia tyrant”) Co-Reviewer: Hobbes (stuffed tiger, actual voice of reason) Calvin’s Review (as scrawled in crayon, then angry pencil): “This software is a TOTAL RIP-OFF. And also kind of awesome. But mostly a rip-off.”
So my dad installed this “professional creative suite” on the computer, probably because he thinks it will make me into a “well-adjusted, productive member of society.” HA. Joke’s on him.
I made a picture of myself flying a jet-powered wagon attacking the school bus. Then I added a layer of fire. Then I changed my head to a tyrannosaur. Then the program crashed. I lost everything. This is the kind of tyranny that makes me want to move to Mars and start my own country. (Hobbes says: “You forgot to save, Calvin.”) I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAVE. IT SHOULD KNOW HOW AWESOME MY WORK IS. Adobe CS 5.5 Master Collection -Calvin and Hobbes-
Why does there need to be a “bridge” between my files? Can’t they just walk across themselves? This is bureaucracy, not creativity.
Vector lines are like the math of drawing. That’s stupid. I drew a transmogrifier gun, but it came out looking like a sad geometric eggplant. I miss crayons. Crayons don’t ask me about “anchor points.” Here’s a humorous, stylized “review” of Adobe CS 5
MY DAD SAID THIS COSTS MORE THAN A USED CAR. I could have bought 14,000 boxes of Frosted Sugar Bombs with that money. Or a rocket ship. Or a lifetime supply of tuna for Hobbes. Instead, I get crashing, rendering, and anchor points. This is what adults call “value.” Hobbes’s Official Addendum: Calvin has been yelling at the monitor for 45 minutes. The software itself is powerful—truly remarkable for professional design, video, and web production. CS 5.5 was a mature, stable suite bridging the gap between CS5 and the Creative Cloud era. For someone with patience, training, and an attention span longer than a goldfish’s daydream, it’s a fantastic tool.
I tried to edit a stop-motion film of Hobbes eating my last bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Premiere Pro has about 18,000 windows. I clicked one called “Render.” Now my computer has been thinking for three hours. Hobbes says the computer is having an existential crisis. I agree. But mostly a rip-off
For Calvin, it’s a very expensive way to draw exploding school buses and blame the computer for his own refusal to learn layers. Two paws down… unless you want to see a six-year-old have a meltdown. Then it’s five stars. ⭐ (one star, because the crash dialog box has a funny error chime I can imitate). Final Verdict from Hobbes: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (four stars, minus one because Calvin exists).
This one is actually cool. I made my name explode into glittering shards of fire while ominous music played. Then I made it do it again, backwards. I could rule the world with After Effects. Or at least make a better homework excuse video.